Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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