i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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