just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
