The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
