You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
