All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
