I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I am naked and annoyed.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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