youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
