Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
