i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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