He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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