She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
