none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
