one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
