I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
