My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
