he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
