The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Lo siento on account of my penis...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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