I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
