I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You're a waste of cheezeits
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
