Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
