sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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