I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
