I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
