sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
