just survived the first fart of the relationship.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He passed out mid-signature
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
