I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
