Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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