Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
