Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
