Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
