You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
