I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
