My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
