He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
