What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
