just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
