Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
