Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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