I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
