i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
