She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
