Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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