remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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