it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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