Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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