I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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