Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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