Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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