You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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