There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
