I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
