She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It was a blind-side dick pic.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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