Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
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