How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
