If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
