Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
