So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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