he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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