You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
