I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
