well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
