I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
